1. Be a perfectionist. People advise you to do your best, not the best. But, that’s hogwash. Why would you want some shoddy piece of work to bear your name? It’s your work. Make it good.
2. Social life is the most important thing. What would you be without your friends, family, colleagues, frenemies, acquaintances, some special cases of friends/relatives/acquaintances who add absolutely no substance to your life but insist on chatting with you on Facebook? It’s your duty to reply to every idle text or voice message as soon as possible, to go to every party or gathering even though a miserable time is guaranteed. After all, your social circle is what makes you you, not your work, interests or people close to you.
3. Daydream. It is a sordid, uninspiring world we live in. All the prettiness you expect are just some photographers messing with the angles. How could you ever cope with your surroundings if your mind wasn’t far, far away? Get away, and stay there. This place you’re physically in, wherever it is, is just not good enough.
4. Be interested in everything. Of course, you should sign up for everything. Every course, every workshop, every party, anything and everything that promises to make your life a little more exciting. Why focus on one dragging, plodding, old thing like a skill or a spouse, when there are so many new pleasures to be had? The essence of a happy life is superficiality. Not getting something done, or doing it well, but indulging in it momentarily. So what if you spend a few hundred Euros on French language lessons and then quit (without refund) once you realise it’s more than learning how to be charming when reading a restaurant menu?
5. Have weak resolve. Do your bid for farmers, butchers, Coca Cola, Domino’s…and eat the contents of your fridge whenever you feel the urge to. It’s wise to follow up on what has made you unable to concentrate for hours, when your mind is going over and over again on some chocolate cake in the fridge, that should not be eaten for practical reasons. So what if it stops you permanently from performing the task at hand because, after eating nearly all of it, you are irreparably bloated and miserable?
6. Promise yourself, “I’ll do it first thing tomorrow.” Of course, you should. It’s 11:30 p.m. already, and you have to be out by 7 a.m. tomorrow. Of course, you should sleep now (or check your email) and set the alarm for 4 a.m. Even if you keep hitting ‘snooze’ from 4 to 7:30.
7. Feel guilty at your failure to complete anything. I don’t know if love expands into more love, but failure sure has a way to spread itself wide and thick. You don’t finish something, you feel guilty about it and further lose time to finish something else, feel more guilty, and on and on it goes. You get so compounded with guilt, you don’t even want to get out bed. Lying there, you even wish you were dead, just to be rid of these failures, even if death would certainly seal your ‘failure’ status permanently, while procrastination would have triumphed instead.
8. Compare yourself to others. How could you not? The world has always been competitive. Even when people lived in small communities in remote areas, growing their own crop. Someone’s crop was better than somebody else. Someone’s daughter was more beautiful than somebody else. Of course, now you only have about 5 million people with impressive social media profiles to look at, some of whom you personally know, who are so perfect, or at least better than you, that you either think: a) Must get better than them, even if don’t want to do the things that make them so good or b) What’s the point? I’m totally hopeless. Nothing will come of my existence that will ever be as good as those 5 million people.
9. Keep telling yourself you actually care about the things you’ve been putting off. Why wouldn’t you? Doing something you actually want to do can be a scary thing. It might take a lot of courage to work at, to put yourself out there, to be open to criticism, even failure. Why not settle for something more proper instead? It’s worthwhile too, even if it’s not what you like doing. Why spend your life chasing dreams when you can be miserable not doing something dull and uninspiring instead?
10. Think about the past. How can you be human, unless you hold on to your memories? If possible, all of them? That is why you have this current, living time, and a near to distant living future. To go over everything that happened before, again and again and again. Your head’s already full of interesting memories. You don’t need to make new ones. You’ve already defined yourself, the point of your existence, with the old ones. Or, maybe, you could use some of your time going over how you can undo the bad memories, and repeat the good ones. Yup, that is even more productive, than going over them just as they are. What a brilliant idea.
Do you do any of these things to procrastinate? Comment below!