Posted in Of Writingly

Bridget Jones: Blogging Queen Part 4

Bridget Jones

Monday 23 May 2016

130 lbs (v.g.), Serious partners 1, Healthy friendship with ex 1, Girl crushes 1, Intensity of girl crush on scale of 1-10 with 10 being highest 9.99, Blog posts written 1, WordPress followers 35, twitter followers 2114, Instagram followers 1, Pages written of Pierce My Soul 0.

11:02 a.m. As soon as he picked up the phone, Daniel said, “Jones, are you looking for somebody to commit adultery with? Because, I’ll have you know, I am a changed man. Though I can, if you press upon it, make an exception…”

Daniel was a changed man. Though, not as you’d expect. He’d be up for it if I ask, but…

I maybe the one with girl crush on Tom’s fiancée Jeanne, but Daniel’s besotted with Mr. Wallaker.

“No, Daniel, thanks. Actually, I’m hosting a dinner in honour of Tom getting engaged. It’s tomorrow. Small affair, but you can bring a date if you like.”

“That bugger! Of course, he can get married now. And maybe stop flirting with me.”

Ah, Daniel. No matter how old and fat and unattractive he gets, he still believes he can charm the knickers off anyone he comes in contact with. To be fair though, Tom would have slept with him in a heartbeat, if given opportunity. That is, until he decided to relinquish his sexual freedom for a woman. Let gender of Tom’s fiancée slip from other details I provided to Daniel about dinner.

“And you’d like to see your godchildren too, won’t you Daniel? They’ve grown so much! And Mr. Wallaker takes such good care of…”

Daniel interrupted and quickly said, “Of course, I’ll be there at 7 sharpish. Can’t wait to see the little buggers. Bye, Jones.”

Click, and he was gone before I could say bye to him. This wasn’t odd, because Daniel Cleaver, professional Casanova, always behaved oddly around anything to do with Mr. Wallaker.

3 p.m. Since it was Rebecca’s idea for me to host dinner and welcome Jeanne into our group, she’s also helping in preparing for it, i.e., can focus on screenwriting career, while she plans courses and does cooking.

4:07 p.m. Jeanne’s following me on twitter!

@JeanneGoscinny Was lovely to meet you @JoneseyBJ on sat. Tom told me about dinner. Can’t wait!

Such a friendly tweet! Don’t know what to tweet back. But, better tweet back, or will think am unfriendly. Or jealous.

@JoneseyBJ @JeanneGoscinny Nice to meet too! Why do you have a typewriter as your profile pic?

Drat. Did not type “you” after meet. She’ll think am an idiot.

@JeanneGoscinny @JoneseyBJ I take photos of typewriters and vintage clocks. You like typewriters?

Of course. Am serious, professional writer, with internationally-released film based on my screenplay. Of course, I like typewriters.

@JoneseyBJ @JeanneGoscinny I LOVE typewriters. Am a writer, you know!

@JeanneGoscinny @JoneseyBJ Oh, cool! Can I take photos of yours’? Preferably, during the day?

Bollocks. Don’t have typewriters. Last typewriter used was Dad’s back in 80s. Mr. Wallaker might have vintage clocks in storage, though.

@JoneseyBJ @JeanneGoscinny Of course! May I see your photos?

@JeanneGoscinny @JoneseyBJ Sure! I’ll send you links to my instagram and wordpress.

Never knew typewriters could be so sexy. Am looking at stationery porn. Surprisingly, only one tiny picture of goddess that is Jeanne. Her job consists of taking pictures of typewriters and clocks. Instead of being photographed herself. Just when you think you understand how the world works…

7 p.m. Mr. Wallaker and his boys James and Michael have been so good for Billy and Mabel. Can relax and focus on screenwriting career, instead of running around and worrying over Billy and Mabel every second.

Miss the worrying, though.

10 p.m. Showed Mr. Wallaker Jeanne’s photos while washing up after dinner. He’s impressed and says he has both typewriters and vintage clocks in storage. Have noticed nervousness and guardedness in Mr. Wallaker while mentioning Jeanne. His pupils dilated looking at photo of a cuckoo clock.

11:30 p.m. Commented back and forth with Jeanne on WordPress. She said not to simply follow to gain followers on WordPress, but engage through commenting and writing interesting posts. Wrote interesting post on missing worrying about children. Got 30 new followers.

Tuesday 24 May 2016

2:03 a.m. Can’t sleep. Too excited about dinner. And Jeanne. And writing script on typewriter.

10:42 a.m. Completely forgot about James going on school trip to Harry Potter museum. Michael had early morning rugby practice. Mabel was late for school, watching too many Zoella videos on my phone. Billy was, surprisingly, well-behaved. Has been so, since getting stitches on forehead. Is becoming more like Mark with each passing day. Don’t know why Mr. Wallaker was so displeased with me for them being late.

4 p.m. Rebecca can’t make it on time, being stuck in traffic. Says to go to her house and start cooking, as all provisions are laid out methodically. Except, can’t cook. And don’t have car (is with Mr. Wallaker) to go and cook.

5:10 p.m. Can’t find taxi. Booked Uber, but they say they can’t come over due to traffic. Thinking of going to Tesco nearby and buying ready meals.

6 p.m. Mr. Wallaker says he’ll cook, but there’s no time to get provisions from Rebecca’s. Says we’ll go to Tesco and buy real meat and veggies, and cook ourselves, i.e., himself.

WHY IS HE SO PERFECT? Even Mark wasn’t this perfect.

11:50 p.m. Everyone’s gone. Daniel and Talitha were last to go. Daniel didn’t know where to look. Mr. Wallaker on one side, Jeanne on the other, made him too nervous. Ended up cracking inappropriate jokes (in front of children, who ate with us) throughout dinner. Prefer old, lecherous Daniel to current, lacking self-esteem Daniel. Hmm, might dig out old self-help books from storage and give them to Daniel.

Dinner was fine. Rebecca has asked us all to lunch tomorrow to eat dinner that was planned. Jeanne has asked to come over and look at typewriters afterwards. Mr. Wallaker promised to pull them out of storage first thing in the morning.

Had private chat with Talitha and Jude as Tom, Daniel, James, Michael and even Mr. Wallaker were hanging on to every word Jeanne said about typewriters in her family, French writer Rene Goscinny (must google him to impress Jeanne) being her distant relative. Talitha and Jude both agree that though Tom dotes on Jeanne, and vice-versa, they don’t understand it. Tom’s yet to provide explanation.

Mr. Wallaker has been irritable since meeting Jeanne on Saturday. Is because of my crush on Jeanne, or his crush on Jeanne?

Will find out he isn’t perfect if he makes a move on Jeanne.

Or could ask Jeanne to have threesome with both of us…

To be continued…

(Inspired by Helen Fielding’s Bridget Jones series.)

Click to read Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3.

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Writer, Blogger, Kate Bush Fanatic

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