Go through any number of dating profiles, and the word that is bound to crop up the most is “spontaneous”. I don’t know if we will ever date but, I must warn you, I am not spontaneous. At least, not in the way that popular culture has come to define the word.
And I don’t understand what the fuss is about. In the above mentioned dating profiles, people associated with the word “spontaneous” will probably have these two types of profile pictures. If not, maybe they should take such a selfie as soon as possible. For a woman, it’s probably someone wearing oversized sunglasses and pouting, or possibly sticking her tongue out, Miley style. For a man, it is probably someone who is holding drinks in both hands, surrounded by his male friends in what appears to be a nightclub, and flashing a big smile. Now, I don’t understand the correlation of spontaneity with a) inappropriate caution against retinal UV damage as well as the prelude to an air-kiss that probably isn’t happening and b) just a bunch of guys having drinks at a club and giving the impression that it is such a rebellious thing to do. Am I supposed to infer something else from this? Even if you are a sky-diver, my male drinking-in-a-nightclub-is-so-cool friend, you still aren’t spontaneous. You deliberately went to that nightclub, and drinks are served in such an establishment. You deliberately went to the sky-diving institute, got lessons, and after much training and cautious measures, finally took the plunge. Which is very, very brave of you, and thus, admirable. But, it ain’t spontaneous.
I’ll tell you how spontaneity works. First of all, everyone is spontaneous. You make a thousand decisions daily without much deliberation. And that is what spontaneity is, relying on your instincts. Every civilization, since the dawn of mankind, has built itself on suppressing these instinctual behaviours, or creating them in an artificial environment. There is nothing spontaneous about a Roman orgy. The two images mentioned above are conventionally sexual images, and thus, potential catalysts for mating. They are wholly calculated. And there is nothing wrong with it. There is nothing wrong with declaring yourself to be open to mating with an appropriate partner, should such a situation arise. It is one of the most wonderful features of being alive(right up there with sky-diving, though not as glamourous) and caution and calculation does not deter in anyway the joy and intimacy of it.
This is how my spontaneity plays itself out. When I am in social situations, I am the one who talks way too much, too fast, too loud. There is no word-processing software as efficient as Microsoft Word to point out words I just made up. There is no backspace key to erase what I just said. There is no time machine I could secretly access, that will make me go back and re-do the conversation I made a mess of. My spontaneity is messy. It is the heartland of chaos, mistakes and missed chances in my role as a social being. It is exhausting, because by the time I’ve had my foot in my mouth at least ten times, I am thankfully unable to talk anymore due to my creaking voice. Now, it’s time to go home, sit with a cup of hot tea, and cover my face in embarrassment at all the unfunny jokes, idiotic remarks and unnecessary, embarrassing information I let out. And that is just 20% of the conversation. The rest was just boring.
But, this behaviour isn’t idiosyncratic. I, at least, have the time and the self-awareness to wince at my spontaneous behaviour and helplessly accept that gregarious yet socially inept creature I become. There are many, many who don’t. And you have the option to do two things. Either avoid them, or learn to look past it and accept them for what are their better qualities. For, I find it is quite erroneous to believe that spontaneous behaviours, though seemingly more honest, define a person more than what they do after a lot of planning and exertion. What you carefully create, after a long and thoughtful consideration, ultimately shows your mind and heart much more than any careless remark.
Do you like spontaneity in a mate?